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My life as I believe it will never remain the same

My life as I believe it will never remain the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.

Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Growing up was intense - my dad was a serial con artist, my mom had no self regard and overweight, disliked me was left to fight for myself more often than not. Inwardly, I was totally free.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


I was content at this high point in my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:

  • I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
  • I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Yelling on the phone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • Domestic violence against my husband
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. I sense like I am heading home.